If You'll Let Me
by walkingproof
Summary: Clarke has a secret she's been keeping from her best friend Bellamy and she's got nine months to come clean. When she's ends up pregnant from a one night stand with a guy she doesn't remember she asks Octavia to help her keep her secret worried that Bellamy will be mad. But when the secret's out she may be in for a surprise. [ONESHOT]
Clarke paced her bathroom glancing at her watch every few seconds. She was waiting through the longest two minutes of her life. Her heart was racing so fast she thought she was going to die. She glanced one last time and saw she'd hit the two minute mark. She walked up to the counter and picked up the test and looked down. The plus sign was bright pink and she felt her stomach drop. She couldn't catch her breath. She was pregnant at twenty-three with a huge stack of student loans with no boyfriend and no job. She was completely and utterly screwed. She heard her phone ring from the kitchen so she walked down the hallway stopping at the trash can to toss the test away; the results were burned into her mind so she didn't need the reminder anymore. She picked up the phone and swiped to the right answering it.

"Hey Raven." Her voice sounded shaky.

"Are you okay?"

Clarke was mad her voice had betrayed her like that; it wasn't like her body hadn't already betrayed her by holding on to that one egg. "Yeah I'm fine, what's up?"

"Umm you were supposed to meet us for dinner but Bellamy said you weren't feeling good so I thought I would check up on you." Clarke bit her lip. She had practically emptied her lunch in his lap as they watched a movie.

"Yeah I think it's just a stomach bug. Can you tell O it's probably better if she stays with Lincoln? I don't want her catching anything." Clarke found herself walking around her apartment aimlessly as she talked to Raven.

"Yeah sure, I hope you feel better."

"Me too." She mumbled before hanging up. She walked over to her couch and fell back onto it and sighed. She had gotten herself to one hell of a mess and she didn't know what she was going to do about it. This was the point she was going to have to truly think about her future. Could she afford a kid? She didn't even know if she was good with kids, she never had to babysit as a teenager. She would have to give up her life. She would have to actually start acting like she was an adult. She groaned, "Fuck, what am I gonna do?" She realized if she decided to go through with this she was going to have to stop cussing too.

-.-.-

"God dammit Clarke open the door!" Clarke could hear Octavia banging on the door. She'd locked herself in her room since she had found out, which was exactly two weeks ago to the day.

"I don't want you to catch anything!" I don't want you to catch this pregnancy she thought to herself.

"I know you're not sick Clarke. It's been two weeks and I know you, you would have already been to the doctor and taking meds to get out of bed." She sighed and pushed herself out of bed. She had read about the fatigue during pregnancy but she never expected it to be as bad as it was. She unlocked the door and Octavia pushed herself in before Clarke could change her mind.

"What the hell is wrong with you? Have you been avoiding me? Are you mad at me? Was it Bellamy? I'll kick his ass." Octavia spilled out as soon as she turned to face Clarke.

"Okay whoa. I only caught like every other word of that. But no I'm not mad at you, and what does Bellamy have to do with this?" She walked back over to her bed and sat down on it.

"I haven't seen you in two weeks. You aren't answering our texts and you've been turning down free food. You only do that when you're mad at someone." The thought of food made Clarke feel sick to her stomach.

Clarke held her hand up, "Okay first let's not mention food at any point in this conversation." Octavia looked at her weird, "And I'm not mad you, there is no reason for me to be mad at you. I've just been…" She looked for the right word, "Dealing." She figured that was simple enough. "And I've just needed some alone time, Bellamy didn't do anything." Clarke chewed on her bottom lip. She and Bellamy normally saw each other every day. He was her best friend and they were practically attached at the hip. Bellamy had of course come over and done the same thing as Octavia. She had sat against her door crying as he pleaded with her through the door to just talk to him. After two hours he had eventually given up and he had given her space ever since.

The younger Blake's eyes flashed in anger, "Then why would you ignore him like that!" the yelling startled her. It wasn't that she didn't think she deserved it; it was that she only ever yelled like that at Bellamy. "You can't just do that Clarke! He's been miserable!" Octavia took a deep breath trying to control her anger. "What you did to the both of us was unfair. I don't know what your damn problem is but you don't treat family like that. You don't just shut them out without any explanation." Clarke could feel the tears coming and she tried her best to fight it. "I'm not leaving without one. Seriously Clarke what the fuck is going on?"

Clarke took a shaky breath, "I'm pregnant." There was silence between them, Octavia just stared at her and Clarke was too afraid to say anything else. It was like the earth stopped spinning. She had finally said the words out loud to someone other than herself and it made the reality of it hit her like wave; it was like someone punched her in the chest. She couldn't breathe and the tears finally started to fall. "Oh my god, I'm going to fuck up this kid's life! I'm going to end up with a grocery cart full of trash while I wheel us down the highway!" The sobs wracked her body and she instantly felt warm arms around her.

Octavia made Clarke scoot over and she pulled the girl close and stroked her hair as she cried. Eventually Octavia pulled Clarke with her to lie on the bed and continue to soothe her while she let her best friend completely unravel. When she was finally done crying Clarke felt like someone was taking a jackhammer to her head. "I'm sorry." Her voice cracked, "I never meant to hurt either of you. I was just trying to process everything before I had to face you both. Bellamy can read me so well and I'm just not ready to tell him."

She felt Octavia nod, "Okay, then we don't tell him for a while. But you know you can't keep it a secret for forever. I don't know why you're so afraid to tell him, he cares about you Clarke." The girl continued to stroke Clarke's hair, "Is it Finn's? Is that why you're afraid to tell him?" she whispered. Clarke just shook her head. The baby wasn't Finn's but it was still a byproduct of Finn. Her first and only one night stand in response to his infidelity.

"Don't ever push us away again. It hurt me but it hurt him even more, but we'll deal with that later. Right now you need to talk about this. You've been bottling it up for weeks and it's not healthy. How about I get us some food and we can sit and talk."

Clarke shook her head, "No food. I've spent more time throwing up than actually eating."

"Okay saltines and Gatorade it is." Octavia slipped her arms from underneath her friend and stood straightening out her shirt which was still wet. "I'm going to run to the store and grab some things so you don't wither away." She walked towards the door but stopped before she was in the hall turning to face Clarke, "Are you gonna be okay for a bit? I can wait until later if you need me too."

Clarke shook her head instantly regretting as it was still pounding, "I'll be fine." She watched as Octavia left and Clarke fell back on her bed. The truth was out now and she was going to have to face it, the thought terrified her. She hadn't even gone to the doctor yet. She felt doing so would only solidify the fact that she had group of cells forming life in her body. Telling Octavia was one thing but the thought of having to tell Bellamy made her chest constrict. What would he say to her? What would he think? She was worried his disappointment in her would kill her. She was still working through the fact that she was going to be raising a kid on her own when she just now was able to cook pasta without burning it or the pasta being crunchy. How was she supposed to feed a kid? Could she afford take out three times a day? Because she was sure that was the only way the kid would be successfully fed.

Clarke pushed herself up and forced herself to walk into the living room. The lights were on and the vacant couch looked so incredibly comfy but she needed to drink some water. Her waterworks from earlier had dehydrated her and she needed to get rid of this headache before the urge to empty her stomach hit again. She grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge and walked over to the couch sitting down and reaching for the blanket it and putting it on her lap. She grabbed the remote and turned the television on. She flipped through the channels unable to choose one. Her thumb stilled when a Gerber commercial came on with five babies on the screen. She watched them smile and laugh and eat and suddenly she was crying. She didn't know why she was crying. She was actually mad that she was crying. The door opened and Octavia walked in with a bunch of grocery bags.

"So I decided to get you Ginger Ale as well so I hope-" She stopped talking and set the bags on the floor before rushing over to Clarke's side, "what's wrong?"

Clarke pointed at the television, "Babies. They're cute fuckin' babies!" she was furiously wiping at her tears and she glared when Octavia started laughing, "Shut up! My hormones aren't a joking matter!" Octavia was biting her lip trying her best not to laugh.

"You're absolutely right, crying over those 'cute fuckin' babies' is absolutely justified."

"Damn right it is." She mumbled flipping off the television wiping the tears off her face. She watched as Octavia put up all the groceries she had bought and brought over a sleeve of saltines and bottle of Gatorade. She handed Clarke both and her stomach growled, she was apparently hungrier than she originally thought. Knowing that she needed to pace herself so she wouldn't throw it all up was absolute torture. She nibbled on the crackers and once she got through a few she opened the Gatorade and took a sip. As soon as her taste buds registered the taste Clarke was quickly screwing the cap back on and dashing to the bathroom. She emptied the little bit she had managed to eat before sitting back and wiping her mouth and flushing the toilet. She looked up to see Octavia standing in the door way.

"I thought you liked the blue one!"

"I do, apparently the baby doesn't." Clarke pushed herself up off the floor and stood up rinsing her mouth out with water from the faucet.

"I bought like twenty dollars worth of blue Gatorade!" Octavia groaned then huffed, "Good thing I kept the receipt, I'll take the rest back tomorrow."

"Sorry." Clarke gave her an apologetic look.

"It's fine. Don't worry about it." Clarke followed her back into the kitchen, "Do you think you could keep down some Ginger Ale?"

She shrugged, "It's worth a shot." She took the can Octavia was holding out for her. She sniffed the opening and felt relief when her stomach didn't lurch. She took a small sip and they both waited nervously. After a few seconds Clarke smiled, "I think we're good."

Octavia gave her a small smile and grabbed her hand and pulling her towards the couch. She let go and they both sat down with Clarke pulling the blanket back into her lap going back to nibbling on the crackers. "So do I get to know who the guy was?" Clarke stopped chewing and looked at her friend. She wasn't ready to have this conversation, she still felt shame in the fact that she wasn't even sure she remembered the guy's name. Was it Josh? Jared? All she knew for sure was that it started with a 'J'.

Clarke shook her head, "I don't want to talk about the guy. I'm still trying process everything." She bit her bottom lip, "I'm scared O. I'm scared to do this alone."

"So the dad doesn't want to be involved?" Clarke just looked at her and Octavia understood, "Okay no more questions about the guy."

-.-.-

"Clarke you need to tell him. He's driving me mad with all of his questions." Octavia looked over at her and Clarke turned and looked out the window, "Seriously Clarke you won't be able to keep it a secret for much longer. You're already starting to show and baggy shirts are only going to take you so far. He's been up my ass asking me why I've been going to so many appointments lately. Your appointments." She sighed and looked at her friend.

"O it's not that simple." Clarke had been getting more and more nervous as she started showing more and more. She had a small bump now and they were on their way back from her latest ultrasound. She glanced at the envelope in the cup holder. She had been too nervous to find out the sex of the baby. She had just now started coming to terms with the fact that she was going to be a mom.

"The hell it's not that simple! Hey Bell I'm pregnant and I'm scared shitless and I need you here for me." Clarke glared at her. She had confided in Octavia how scared she was and she was the only person that knew about her being pregnant. Her only confident had been pushing her for days to tell Bellamy.

"Stop." Octavia glanced at her and huffed in frustration.

"You can't keep running Clarke. Eventually it's going to catch up with you." Clarke knew what Octavia had been telling her was true. She really did need to tell Bellamy and she wanted to and every time she got close she chickened out. Every time he would go to touch her she would do her best to keep his hands from ever going close to her stomach. Octavia had been complaining to her about Bellamy for the last month once the doctor's appointments had become more frequent now that she was in her second trimester. The car came to a halt in front of her apartment building. "You're asking me to continue to lie to my brother. Please don't make me keep doing it. You don't see his pain over you being distant. He still thinks he's done something because of the distance you've kept between the both of you."

The guilt washed over Clarke, she had asked so much from Octavia. She had kept her secret and had promised she wouldn't tell Bellamy no matter what. She took her to her doctor's appointments because Clarke was too afraid to go by herself. "Okay. I promise I'll tell him this weekend." Opened the door and got out and turned to look at Octavia, "I'm so sorry I've put you in this position O." The girl gave her a forgiving smile and Clarke closed the door and walked into the building heading up to their apartment. Every Friday Bellamy and Octavia would go to dinner and have some time together. Clarke had always used that time to draw but lately all she used it for was to sleep. She was tired all the time.

Walking in she threw her keys on the table and walked to the fridge and looked inside. There was an abundance of Gatorade. The doctor kept telling her to drink it to help with her dehydration but they had yet to find a flavor that didn't make her throw up. Clarke opted for a water instead and opened it taking a sip. She figured that Netflix would be the best thing to keep her mind off everything. Clarke walked over to the couch pulling off the hoodie she had been wearing. She sighed and stared down at her stomach. The swell was still small but it was there and Octavia was right she wasn't going to be able to continue to hide it. Honestly it was starting to get warmer and she wouldn't be able to keep wearing a hoodie. She took in the comfort of just being in shorts and a tank top.

She walked over to the couch and sat down turning on the television and leaning back. Her body sunk into the couch and she moaned in pleasure, it was so good being home. She'd only been gone a few hours but she closed her eyes enjoying the comfort of home.

-.-.-

Clarke jumped hearing a door slam. She looked around wildly trying to figure out what was going on. She sat up realizing she must have fell asleep.

"Bellamy stop! Please!"

Her eyes connected with Bellamy's and there was an emotion in his eyes that she couldn't figure out. "Is this why you've been avoiding me?" Bellamy raised up an ultrasound picture in his hand. Clarke's body turned cold with dread.

"Clarke I'm so sorry! He opened it in the car while I was driving!" Octavia looked crushed over what had happened.

Clarke couldn't pull her eyes from Bellamy she wanted to say something but every time she tried her voice nothing came out. "CLARKE!" his outburst made her jump.

"I'm sorry." She managed to croak out her vision blurring from tears, "I tried to tell you so many times. I didn't know how."

"You just tell me! Why would you think you needed to keep this from me? I've been beating myself up for months thinking I did something to hurt you or make you mad. Every time I tried to talk to you, you would find a reason to leave. I was losing my best friend and there wasn't anything I could do!" The hurt on his face only made Clarke cry harder. Bellamy turned to Octavia, "And you! You saw how hurt I was and you just continued to let me feel like that. To let me think that I did something!" Octavia's eyes were tearing up.

"Bellamy stop! I asked her not to tell anyone. I made her promise!" Clarke finally felt her feet move underneath her. He turned to look at her and froze. His eyes dropped to her stomach. The small protrusion she'd been trying so hard to hide was on full display.

"Clarke." His face fell and he looked completely heartbroken. Clarke subconsciously pulled her tank down a little more wanting nothing more than to hide it. To not have him look at her like that. The look that she had spent months trying to avoid.

"Bellamy you have to understand." She pleaded with him.

"I don't have to understand anything Clarke, we've been best friends for over half of our lives. We've shared everything no matter how big, and you can't find it in yourself to tell me something this huge? When did I lose your trust?" He looked completely heart broken and all she wanted to do was to fade away into nothing.

"You didn't! I just didn't want you to be disappointed in me!" She was furiously wiping at her eyes as the tears spilled over and onto her cheeks.

"Why would I be disappointed?"

"Because I don't know who the father is!" Clarke yelled. The weight of her secret was finally lifted but the shame and guilt she felt still consumed her. It was dead quiet after her outburst. Both Blake siblings were looking at her.

"I'm going to go." Octavia whispered walking towards the door slowly. She stopped once she opened it, "Call me if you need me." She looked between Bellamy and Clarke, "either of you." She closed the door and left, leaving Bellamy and Clarke by themselves for the first time in months.

Clarke wrapped her arms around herself her arms resting on her small bump. Even with her being in her second trimester she was still only showing a little bit. Footsteps grabbed her attention and her eyes shot up and she took a step back as Bellamy walked towards her. He froze mid-step, "Clarke, why are you doing this?"

"Please don't." Bellamy took two strides towards her and put his hands on her arms before she could move, "I'm not disappointed in you, stop pushing me out. Just talk to me." He begged.

"I don't want to pull you into all of this. This isn't your problem."

"Goddammit Clarke we've had this conversation probably fifty times since I've known you. I will gladly be there right by your side through everything. You and O are the most important things to me. I want this to be my problem, I want to be there for you. I want to help in any way I can." All of the walls Clarke had built over the last few months fell and she wrapped her arms around him and buried her face into her chest. All the emotions she had been holding back released in a flood onto his shirt. Having him here and being in his embrace gave her all the solace she'd been looking for. "I'm not going anywhere. If you want me to I'll be there for every part of this, you and your baby girl will be my number one priority."

Clarke gasped and pulled back, "What did you say?"

"What?" He looked worried, "What did I do?"

"You said baby girl. I'm having a girl?" Clarke felt something bubble in her chest, she couldn't tell if it was excitement or terror.

"Yeah, you didn't know?" Clarke shook her head but felt a smile creep on her face, "Well I'm just hoping she isn't nearly as stubborn as you are. I can only handle one of you." He leaned down and kissed her forehead.

"You really want to be a part of this?" Clarke asked sheepishly.

"I want to be a part of everything. I want to be here for the pregnancy, I want to be there when she's born, I want to be there for every birthday, I want to be there when she graduates and when she gets married. I want every part of this. You've been my whole life for so many years Clarke. It doesn't matter that you don't know who the father is, DNA only goes so far. I love you and I love the little girl you're carrying. I want all of that with you…if you'll let me." Clarke looked at him her mouth hanging open. Was he really suggesting that he take all fatherly duties? She had so many emotions about what had happened. Going from yelling to comforting and now the possibility forging of a family was so much to take in.

"Bell I-"

"Shhh" Bellamy put his thumb over her lips, "I'm not expecting you to jump into this, I just want you to know that I'm willing and that I'm here. I'm not going anywhere. I've loved you for years and I can wait a few more if that's what it takes. Even if you decide you don't feel the same way, I'll still be here. Through all of it." He kissed the tip of her nose.

Clarke's eyes fluttered closed and she sighed. His lips on her skin left a trail of heat and a pull in her stomach. It might have been the baby but her instinct told her it was more. "Okay." She whispered.

"Okay?" His voice sounded surprised.

She nodded, "I want you here for all of it, I don't want to do this alone. You've been my family for years…and now she'll get to experience that."

His smile reached his eyes and she couldn't help but smile back. He pulled her in and kissed her head. It didn't matter what happened, he was her family and wherever he was that's where she wanted to be.

* * *

 **A/N: So I've been dabbling in this off and on for awhile. I'm not sure how i feel about how it turned out. This is probably going to stay a oneshot, but i have ideas of other chapters (i.e. milestones) but hopefully you guys enjoy this. Let me know what you think! For all that review xoxo**


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